The truth is — to a certain extent we are our memories and very often our memories define our approach and attitude to things and people around us. Memories have powerful impact on our day and the more we have and the more we remember the more affected we are by them.
Photo by Ani Babayan
Memories are like a voice within — the bright ones are like a good word addressed to us that rejoice and make us smile, the dark ones are like a curse that spoil the mood and sometimes it takes longer than just a day to overcome them.
Years ago, I tried to control my memories and the result was that I started getting oblivious of all the bad, but the overall outcome of that practice was that I started forgetting the good things too. How I did it? I have no idea. I just know that the vast portion of my memories has been erased from my memory or has moved to the subconscious platform from where I find myself unable to bring it back.
Years ago my goal was to control my memories, to let go of the bad that people had brought into my life and to forget how those bad “things” made me feel, and retain the good side, but several years down the road — the 20 years down the road I am standing right now at — show me one thing — I have failed as my brain has started forgetting almost every single thing no matter I qualify it as a good or a bad one. And a recent trend I have found out is that I if I manage to remember something, then it’s the bad.
Perhaps that is the reason why I am not able to show emotions to people, perhaps that is the reason why I mostly don’t feel happy, relaxed and calm, perhaps that is why I have lost the ability to communicate with people along with the ability to listen to people or care for them because in my core I have several things repeated to me — everybody hurts, everybody lies, everybody cheats… And most importantly, I have started to think that the good is temporary, and the bad will eventually make its way to you — it is eternal…
I am not a prophet, and neither a clairvoyant, but the sole conclusion I am arriving at is that I have paved the ground for one of the scariest diseases in the world (for me) and one day it will take over me. Today I am training my mind to repeat and revise my day. Another and perhaps more important conclusion I have come to is that I don’t want to forget neither the good nor the bad, I want to keep them both in my life and let the good capture and devour the bad.
Of course, it would be good to forget how much I have been lied to, I would like to forget that someone’s claiming love with tattoos declaring love to another person, I would love to forget the many things I have been labeled and imputed. Life would be way more relaxed in that case, but it’s not what life has to be — it has to bring the bad and the good into your life for you to draw a dividing line between them, for you to learn what life actually is, for you not to float on the surface but soak into the crazy, pure and often dirty waters of life and go all out for it and come out clean.
If you ever thought of erasing certain memories, just don’t. They might hurt but we have to be strong enough to overcome them looking them in the eye and not turning our back and going. It’s not a solution and it has never been. Let’s make ourselves worth this life that is granted to us and live it to the fullest — come out victorious over it no matter what pain and disappointment we will have to go through.
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